Humorous Quotes from women

Erma Bombeck:

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Gracie Allen:

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.

Phyllis Diller:

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Never go to bed angry — stay up and fight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Gilda Radner:

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

Joan Rivers:

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Lily Tomlin:

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?