Friday, January 13, 2006

Funny Quotes

"In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: Oh, Lord, make my enemies look ridiculous. And God granted it."
~ Voltaire

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
~ Rodney Dangerfield

"I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did. "
~ Jeff Foxworthy

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother -- you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

"You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard."
~ Jeff Foxworthy

"You may be a redneck if . . . your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."
~ Jeff Foxworthy

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
~ Phyllis Diller

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?"
~ Erma Bombeck

"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"
~ Erma Bombeck

"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, "You know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty."
~ Jeff Foxworthy

"Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing."
~ Gracie Allen


"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."
~ Cary Grant

"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."
~ Rodney Dangerfield

"Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable."
~ Jackie Gleason

"Gray hair is God's graffiti."
~Bill Cosby

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
~George Burns

“Queens has some really Catholic neighborhoods. I mean exceptionally Catholic.

Even the praying mantises don’t just pray.

They say novenas.”

~ Steve Allen

3 comments: