Humor for the Weekend

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~ Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~ George Burns

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~ Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~ Alex Levine

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
~ Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~ Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~ Billy Crystal
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