Sunday, October 29, 2006

Sunday Humor

Twenty Ways to Maintain Your Sanity in This Crazy World:

1. While waiting in a long line at the check-out in a store, pass the time by making friends with the other customers. Start a conversation by telling them all the gory details of your last bout with the flu or your last surgery. This can be a wonderful form of entertainment, especially if you use descriptive language and authentic sound effects, moaning and groaning loudly.

2. To liven up your day, tell everyone you have a rare terminal disease - scelaramustidigitosis. You must not do any strenuous labor like housework or cooking for the rest of your life and you are allergic to everything but chocolate.

3. Have a Howard Dean Hog-Calling contest, but don’t be surprised if Hillary comes running.

4. Put large containers on your desk or work area at home marked "Tips" and "Treats". Be sure to put up a sign stating your flexible office hours, for example, 3-3:15 p.m.

5. When the telemarketers call invite them to dinner. Ask if they prefer liver or seafood cat food. Tell them you usually like to serve your guests Gravy Train but you just finished off a 25 lb. bag last night.

6. In the memo field of all your checks write "For drug smuggling".

7. Finish all your sentences with "Towanda!”

8. When someone asks you a question, make the most grotesque expression you can imagine and scream out, "We are the President!"

9. As often as possible in crowds, talk and sing to yourself out loud and answer every question you ask. Laugh hysterically when you are in an elevator or an enclosed area with a stranger.

10. Order a Diet Sugar-free Salsa Shake whenever you go out to eat.

11. Have a grape stomping contest! Dress up in old clothes as a gypsy or as an old Italian lady and invite your best friend. Get anything slimy, stomp on it, and throw it at one another. Yell at one another in Italian.

12. Sing along at The Opera and don't limit yourself to only female or male parts, hum along with the orchestra, too. Improvise, harmonize, and feel free to change the lyrics and the melody. Add a little rap, a little jazz, a little blues. Get out the harmonica and play along.

13. Attend a poetry recital and ask why the words don't rhyme. Tell the poet what a real poem should sound like by reciting "Jack and Jill went up the hill..."

14. Paint your face, cover your body with mosquito netting, and play African music while dancing to the beat of the drums.

15. On weekends, tell your family and friends that you don't have time for housework - You have to go mud wrestling with Thunder Bottom.

16. Have your friends and family address you by the name you had in your first life "Cleopatra" or "Queen Isabella".

17. When the envelope arrives from the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes scream at the top of your lungs "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the movie theater following a scary movie, scream out, "Run for your lives, they're after us!" Better yet, scream this out during the movie - several times for effect.

19. Tell your children at the dinner table that due to the family budget and the current state of the economy, one of them must go out on the streets and beg for food. Dress them up as St. Francis of Assisi or as St. Clare and load them down with baskets.

20. And the final way to maintain a healthy level of sanity is... tell everyone you have inherited a fortune but just don't have a clue as to how you're going to spend all that money because you have decided to become a hermit.

Enjoy! This is great therapy!

~ Copyright Jean Heimann 2006

1 comment:

Cathy said...

These are hilarious, Jean!