Why Living Together Before Marriage Doesn't Work

I teach a workshop for couples engaged to be married called “God’s Plan for a Joy Filled Marriage.” From our registrations we know that roughly half of these couples are already living together. In fact, in the United States, 60 percent of all marriages are preceded by cohabitation, according to a year 2000 study. In 2004, more than 5 million Americans were cohabiting, that is, living together in a sexual relationship without marriage, compared to 500,000 in 1970, according to a 2005 study.

There are a variety of reasons couples choose cohabitation before marriage. Convenience, financial savings and companionship are some of the reasons. There is another reason that is also understandable. Many couples believe that the familiarity that cohabitation provides will lead to a more informed decision of whether or not to marry, thereby lowering their risk of divorce. Since many coming into marriage now are children of divorce or have family members or friends who have experienced divorce, they are beguiled into believing that if they “test the waters” by living together they will be able to predict the success of their married life. It is beguiling because this way of preparing for marriage has at its very foundation the seeds of uneven commitment and mistrust — mistrust of their partner, sometimes a mistrust of themselves, or even a mistrust in God’s ability to provide for them in marriage. [more]

As a crisis pregnancy counselor, I see many couples who are living together. Approximately 90% of the single women I see are living with their partner and most already have children. In most circumstances, the women and children are vulnerable and end up as the victims in these type of relationships. Women tend to be more committed to the relationship than men and the children are traumatized by the break-up. As this article points out, the reasons given for living together vary. What I hear most often are the following reasons for living together:

"We just want to see how we'll get along together."

This simply isn't true. Couples living together are more like dating partners than married couples. Also, when a couple lives together, they are more inclined to be less enthusiastic about marriage and more open to divorce. Married couples rely on one another more and are much less likely to walk out than couples who aren't married. When they experience arguments and tough times, they are more inclined to end the relationship because they lack the commitment that married couples have which binds them together and ensures that their relationship endures through tough times.

"But we are committed to one another - that's why we're moving in with one another."

Studies have shown that living together weakens a couple's commitment to one another. Affairs are twice as common as among couples who live together than for married couples. If the couple are indeed truly committed together, what is holding them back from making that commitment?

"We won't have to go through the messiness of a divorce, which seems to happen to everyone we know who gets married."

This is true, but only if you consider that 67% of couples who live together ever get married! For those who do get married, they have an almost 50% higher rate of divorce than married couples who did not live together first. If a couple truly desires to lessen their chances of divorce, they shouldn't live together before they're married.

"But we'll be happier because we won't be tied down."

Couples who live together are far less happier than those who are married. Studies show that those couples who are married have much more fulfilling lives and are more satisfied physically and emotionally with their sex lives than those who are living together. In addition, physical and sexual abuse is higher in cohabiting relationships than in married relationships.

"Our children will be a lot better off."

Believe it or not this is a typical reason. The reality of the situation is that children who live with cohabiting parents are much more likely to be abused than than those whose parents are married to each other. Also, when it comes to finances, children whose parents cohabit are three times more likely to live in poverty than are children living with married parents.

There simply are no positive consequences of living together. Unless there is trust and commitment and a bond there that can only be attained through the sacrament of matrimony, there can be no true happiness.

As the author of this article states: Marital love is a visible sign or figure of God’s covenant love for humanity (“Catechism of the Catholic Church,” 1604) and Christian marriage is also an image or figure of Christ’s union with the Church (1617). This union can never be temporary or a “trial” — it is permanently faithful.

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