Favorite One Liners and Jokes

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

The shampoo promised me extra body, and I gained three pounds.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I'm so old my birth certificate is in Roman Numerals!

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,"Wish you were here."

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,and smile for a satellite picture.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Sorry, my mind was wandering.

One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

Source
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Comments

  1. Reel Fanatic3/24/07, 5:55 AM

    Great stuff ... No matter how many times I hear that "French toast in the Renaissance" line, it just never gets old

    ReplyDelete
  2. EC Gefroh3/24/07, 5:35 PM

    Thanks Jean! I love humor like this. Steven Wright, right?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jean Heimann3/25/07, 3:23 AM

    That's right!

    ReplyDelete

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