Monastic Jokes & Humor
Some are new and some are old, but I believe my readers could use a break from all the serious issues I have been posting on lately.
The Visit
A visitor to a monastery was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out: "64!" All the other monks roared with laughter. Another then called out "15", again much laughter. "What's going on?" asked the visitor. "They know each other's jokes inside out," said the abbott. "So rather than tell them each time, they've numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go..." The visitor called out "45" and there was a small ripple of polite laughter. "I'm afraid," said the Abbot, "that's not very funny, try again." So the visitor called out "56" and there was uproar. "Must have been a good joke." "Yes," said the abbot wiping his eyes. "And we've never heard it before."
Ancient Translations
A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand -- word for word -- the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake."Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then."Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked."I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"
"God’s kingdom is a woman’s bathroom: there are many products you cannot explain, but yet it contains much power which compels men.”
~ St. Augustine
Better Late than Never
Posted outside a monastery:
Next Sunday afternoon there will be a procession on the monastery grounds. If it rains in the afternoon the procession will take place in the morning.
Jesuits vs. Dominicans
Two young men discussing a potential call to monastic life.
One asks “How are the Jesuits and Dominicans similar?”
The other says “Well, I know they were both founded by Spaniards, and they both were founded to fight heresies. The Jesuits were founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola to fight Protestantism, while the Dominicans were founded by St. Dominic of Castile to fight the Albigensian heresy.”
“How are they different?”
“Met any Albigensians recently?”
Fish and Chips
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
Sinister Monks
Some monks came to a small town in England and established a monastery. The townspeople were at first suspicious, but the monks explained that they had come only to do a few good deeds, such as to plant flowers and trees. The townspeople were relieved and left the monks alone.
In a few weeks, it was noticed that some of the cats and dogs were disappearing. Then, some of the little children started to disappear as well. The townspeople thought the monks were behind all of this, so they trudged up to the hilltop monastery and were let in.
In the middle of the monastery greenhouse was a monstrous Venus flytrap. The townspeople were convinced that this grotesque plant was devouring their dogs, cats, and children. The townspeople were determined to run the sinister monks out of town. They did not know how they would do it. Finally, Hugh, the blacksmith, decided to scare them out of town. He marched back up to the monastery door, looked the monk who answered the door straight in the eye, and used his hammer to smash his anvil to bits. The monks were terrified of this power and the next morning, they and the monastery were gone.
The moral of the story is that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
The Dissatisfied Monk
A man decides to join a monastic order. The head monk tells him he must take a vow of silence, but once a year he can speak to the head monk. But he is only allowed two words.
After a year, the man appears before the head monk. For an entire year, he has been breaking his back in the vineyards, thinking about what he should say. He says: "bed hard."
"Well, thank you for your input," says the head monk. "We always like to know what is on the minds of our novices. You may go back to work now."
Another year passes and he has grown very thin. He stands before the head monk and says, "food bad."
"Well, thank you for your input," says the head monk. "We always like to know what is on the minds of our novices. You may go back to work now."
Another year passes and he once again is before the head monk.
"I quit," he says.
"Well, I'm not surprised," says the head monk. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
The Bell Ringer
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! Were not through yet!!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
WAIT FOR IT...
"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Chanting
A certain monastery was home to monks who had vowed, not the usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant. They communicated only in Gregorian tones. Each morning, they assembled in the chapel and the Abbot would chant"Good morning assembled brethren." The monks dutifully replied "Good morning, Father Abbot." One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead chanted "Good evening, Father Abbot". The Abbot fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze ... and sang "Someone chanted evening!"
The Visit
A visitor to a monastery was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out: "64!" All the other monks roared with laughter. Another then called out "15", again much laughter. "What's going on?" asked the visitor. "They know each other's jokes inside out," said the abbott. "So rather than tell them each time, they've numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go..." The visitor called out "45" and there was a small ripple of polite laughter. "I'm afraid," said the Abbot, "that's not very funny, try again." So the visitor called out "56" and there was uproar. "Must have been a good joke." "Yes," said the abbot wiping his eyes. "And we've never heard it before."
Ancient Translations
A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand -- word for word -- the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake."Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then."Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked."I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"
"God’s kingdom is a woman’s bathroom: there are many products you cannot explain, but yet it contains much power which compels men.”
~ St. Augustine
Better Late than Never
Posted outside a monastery:
Next Sunday afternoon there will be a procession on the monastery grounds. If it rains in the afternoon the procession will take place in the morning.
Jesuits vs. Dominicans
Two young men discussing a potential call to monastic life.
One asks “How are the Jesuits and Dominicans similar?”
The other says “Well, I know they were both founded by Spaniards, and they both were founded to fight heresies. The Jesuits were founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola to fight Protestantism, while the Dominicans were founded by St. Dominic of Castile to fight the Albigensian heresy.”
“How are they different?”
“Met any Albigensians recently?”
Fish and Chips
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
Sinister Monks
Some monks came to a small town in England and established a monastery. The townspeople were at first suspicious, but the monks explained that they had come only to do a few good deeds, such as to plant flowers and trees. The townspeople were relieved and left the monks alone.
In a few weeks, it was noticed that some of the cats and dogs were disappearing. Then, some of the little children started to disappear as well. The townspeople thought the monks were behind all of this, so they trudged up to the hilltop monastery and were let in.
In the middle of the monastery greenhouse was a monstrous Venus flytrap. The townspeople were convinced that this grotesque plant was devouring their dogs, cats, and children. The townspeople were determined to run the sinister monks out of town. They did not know how they would do it. Finally, Hugh, the blacksmith, decided to scare them out of town. He marched back up to the monastery door, looked the monk who answered the door straight in the eye, and used his hammer to smash his anvil to bits. The monks were terrified of this power and the next morning, they and the monastery were gone.
The moral of the story is that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
The Dissatisfied Monk
A man decides to join a monastic order. The head monk tells him he must take a vow of silence, but once a year he can speak to the head monk. But he is only allowed two words.
After a year, the man appears before the head monk. For an entire year, he has been breaking his back in the vineyards, thinking about what he should say. He says: "bed hard."
"Well, thank you for your input," says the head monk. "We always like to know what is on the minds of our novices. You may go back to work now."
Another year passes and he has grown very thin. He stands before the head monk and says, "food bad."
"Well, thank you for your input," says the head monk. "We always like to know what is on the minds of our novices. You may go back to work now."
Another year passes and he once again is before the head monk.
"I quit," he says.
"Well, I'm not surprised," says the head monk. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
The Bell Ringer
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! Were not through yet!!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
WAIT FOR IT...
"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Chanting
A certain monastery was home to monks who had vowed, not the usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant. They communicated only in Gregorian tones. Each morning, they assembled in the chapel and the Abbot would chant"Good morning assembled brethren." The monks dutifully replied "Good morning, Father Abbot." One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead chanted "Good evening, Father Abbot". The Abbot fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze ... and sang "Someone chanted evening!"
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