WEEKEND HUMOR

The Pope's Golf Game

The Israeli prime minister and the pope agreed to oppose each other in a round of golf. The match was supposed to promote friendship and understanding between the Jewish and Catholic faiths, but both men wanted to win nonetheless.

There was one problem. The pope had never played golf.

"Find a cardinal who plays the game well to stand in for me," he directed his private secretary.

"There aren't any who are very good," the secretary answered.

"But what about this? What if we make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal and have him represent you?"

"Sounds good to me," the pope said.

The arrangement was made and the match was played at St. Andrews. That night, the pope asked his secretary for a report. He was stunned by the news that Nicklaus had lost.

"Cardinal Nicklaus shot a 69, but lost by three shots," the secretary ruefully told the Pope.

"Who in the world could have beaten Jack Nicklaus on a day when he shot a 69?" the pope asked, incredulous.

"I'm afraid it was Rabbi Woods."

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St. Kerry?

On a Saturday afternoon, in Boston MA, Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain Kerry views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's campaign manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main isle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation --

"While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite. John Kerry is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal (including one that does not even exist). He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here in the chruch, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."